How to end an Era
New beginnings are on the horizon, and looking at them, I find myself feeling a very bizarre mix of excitement and jumping-the-gun nostalgia.
Over the past four or ten years, a lot of my thoughts have begun with "One day..." Thoughts like this aren't unusual for me, they aren't particular to June 2017 in the life of Gen. What's unusual is that "one day" seems closer than ever. Within the next year, even.
"One day I'll tick off those boxes on my bucket list."
"One day I'll be writing blog posts in Arabic. Maybe even French."
The problem with this new train of thought is that in leading me forward, I start to look back, and I have a lot of questions. "One day I'll be writing blog posts in Arabic" becomes "I should have written a blog post in Chinese." Who knows. Maybe I still will.
I keep telling myself: Don't look back and question what you did. Close a chapter, move on to the next one. But that's so difficult.
I'm hoping that in writing this blog post, I will speak (write?) it into existence: this is my last sentence on the last page of the chapter titled "Gen's high school years." Though I guess a more appropriate and relevant analogy would be if it were my Wikipedia page it would be the end of the "Early Life" section, before "Higher Education."
I can't tell you how many times I've heard the sentence, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" in my life. Now, on the precipice of something becoming "over," it's moved beyond the point of platitude to become a full on tear jerker. I hear that sentence and cry immediately. It is Bullshit. Capital B. Cry and then cry again, just try to make sure some of them are happy tears.
In these moments, where I'm forced to realize that I'm no longer a student of this school, that I'm an alum now, I find myself crying over more than just the fact that it's over. I've known that will be the case for years. Hell, there's been many, many moments when I've been downright excited that that's the case.
I'm crying in part because I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of my friends, and surprisingly enough, I'm proud of my not-friends, too. I feel like I've surmounted a lot of challenges in the past four years. I really fancy the idea of giving the internet a highlight reel of my shortcomings, but I think they're important for me to note. And more important than the challenges is how I chose to overcome them.
I also find myself in a level of excitement I don't think I've ever felt before. Like pee-your-pants giddiness that is all encompassing. I can't help but wonder about a lot of the minute details, and I spend a lot of time doing it, but I want to take a moment to think about the bigger things - the bigger "news" I'll be experiencing in the next few years.
There are new characters of my life that I'll meet, and they're out there getting pumped for college just like I am.
There are all these new places I'll explore, that right now are just words on lists to me but will soon be new adventures.
The new challenges I'll face academically.
The new lessons I'll learn.
I'm trying to figure out what the plot of my life will be, and I can't. That's a good thing, I think. But now, at the end of it all, I can look at the plot of the last four years, maybe the last 6 if I count all my time in the United States. I think if I work hard enough, I can figure out the plot of all of that.
Where was the climax of my high school career? Was it in Academics- maybe IB exams? College acceptance? What was the challenge? Who was the enemy I fought, who or what antagonized me these past few years?
All I can say is, cry because it's over and cry over what's next, but smile because of both. And most importantly, let people know what they mean to you. Write letters about it. Thank people for what they've done for you.